Here's the funny stuff.....
A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"It's for you...If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
A young German farmer near Munich
One day wore a bright scarlet tunich;
A bull took offense
And now this poor gense
An unfortunate Teutonic unich.
A herder who hailed from Terre Haute
Fell in love with a young nanny goat;
The daughter he sired
Was greatly admired
For her beautiful angora coat.
To Sadie the touch of a male meant
An emotional cardiac ailment;
And acute shortness of breath
Caused her untimely death
In the course of erotic impalement.
THE HUSBAND STORE
A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance: "You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.
"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.
The 1st floor has wives that love sex.
The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.
The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.
Yo momma's so fat, she has other fat people orbitting around her.
Yo momma's so fat, she uses diet soap.
Yo momma's so fat, her waist size is equator.
Yo momma's so fat, her dress size is tent.
I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a city street maintenance worker, but if you go to his house, the signs are everywhere..... Badat bump.
Why are married women fatter than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
I just read a list of 'The 100 Things to do Before You Die' and was pretty surprised that 'yell for help' wasn't one of them!
A man goes into a psychiatrist's office and says, "Doc, I've got this terrible problem...I think I'm a dog. I crawl around on all fours. I chase after cats. I pee on my living room rug and last week I bit the mailman. Is there anything you can do for me?" And the psychiatrist replies: "Yes, I think I can help you. Come into my office and get on the couch." "Oh, no," said the man, "I'm not allowed on the couch!!"
"Honeymoon is Over Horse Race" contains Adult Language. NSFW.